Weary eyes nod off at the lunch table; toddler demanding and infant conducting a continual test of vocal cords.
Dishes tower high, laundry baskets overflow, two weeks and a half left in the month and not enough money to feed a bird, let alone a family of four, too many things to do. . . and Husband comes home late from work. . .again.
Then, the vise twists once more and I snap under pressure.
and she. . . that girl with they messy hair all in her face, a band-aid on her chin and a stuffed rat in arm.
This gift from God. . . she is Jesus to me in this moment. She looks at me with her big brown eyes and furrowed brow.
“Mommy, you have a grumpy heart”. And that grumpy heart of mine sank down to my toes.
Why is it so easy to walk thru life without a hint of joy? Hope? Trust?
Why does weakness cast such a shadow of doubt in this weary heart of mine? Doesn’t he say:
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”?
Self reliance steals the rest that is found in GOD reliance.
I held that girl tight, wept and prayed for a changed heart. “Let me be weak Lord, and trust that you can do so much more in my
weakness than in my self reliance.”
Therefore [let us] boast all the more gladly about [our] weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may dwell in [us].
2 Corinthains 2:19
. . . Repost from 2012. Reflecting.
Two weeks have passed since recovering from the flu and pneumonia, today I can feel relapse trying to creep in. . . My lungs are struggling to open up, and I am trying to avoid the discomfort that comes with taking a full, deep breath. If my body gives in, it will be my 3rd case of pneumonia this calendar year.
Why? Biologically. . . Autoimmune disease. Systemic Lupus Erythematosus (commonly known as SLE or just plain ‘ol Lupus) with Psoriatic Arthritis is the current standing dx. Simply put, my body doesn’t always do what it should and it often does things it shouldn’t. I get sick easily without much warning, my organs are unpredictable and I break bones and tear connective tissue more easily than the “typical person”. Overworking my body, extreme stress or simply being exposed to an infection can potentially lay me out for weeks at a time or in the hospital for a quick “tune up”.
Why? The big why? Because God is sovereign, his plan for my life is perfect. I believe he intends to use my weakness for His glory.
Some things I’ve learned from having autoimmune disease:
– My life is not my own. . . I was bought by the blood of Christ and my “broken” body can still honor God. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)
– Compassion. . . I can come alongside others in similar situations with kindness and understanding.(Galatians 6:2)
– I can rejoice in my weakness because my weakness is a picture of God’s strength. (2 Corinthians 12:10)
– Even if I don’t get to what it looks like see it this side of heaven, I can trust that he will use this for good! (Romans 8:28)
– Christ empathizes with me and goes before me in all my sufferings. This is a truth I can lean on when I feel alone or misunderstood. (Hebrews 4:15)
Some days are hard, thankfully most days aren’t right now, and all days are covered in grace.
Twenty eight was the hardest year of my life. I’ve experienced my share of hard in my short amount of time on this earth, but twenty eight was the culmination of all the hard. . . staring it all in the face for the first time; calling it what it was. . . letting myself experience and grieve the pain as almost for the first time. . . and then the changing. . . The beginning of a metamorphosis. . . A Genesis; grace from God.
Twenty eight found me processing the effects of a horrific past; memories I spent a lifetime trying to forget. I was forced to stare my greatest fears in the face and some days I could hardly exist; even the mere act of breathing seemed like an impossibility. I was hypervigilant, clinically depressed, trying to learn new ways to deal with the effects of PTSD, struggling with suicidal ideation and two near attempts. My health was failing; I was diagnosed with chronic auto-immune disease. My marriage was struggling and my relationships were falling apart. I put the pursuit of a fantastic career in something I am passionate about on hold. Though I kept a busy schedule and was with people, I felt very, very alone. My life was being totally deconstructed. God had brought me to a place where there was nothing left but Him. . . total and complete reliance.
Twenty eight wrecked me. . . and renewed me.
Twenty eight saw strength and courage, made me a fighter for truth. I learned to love without abandon. Twenty eight saw restoration, newness, compassion. Sufficiency in Christ. Overcoming. Hope.
Yesterday I welcomed twenty nine with joy; eager to continue the hard, hard work of deconstruction and rebuilding. . . to continue the journey of becoming the woman God truly intends me to be. To speak life and hope into others, to love wild and to live free.